Monday, 12 October 2009

Work Rant

Do Uff nights precede uff days?

I like my job, I do. Its fun and interesting and creative and challenging. But today was not one of those days. Getting out of bed in the morning kills it. You can imagine how the rest of the day unfolds.

I’m usually noted for my manner with the classes I teach, and the positive relationship I’ve managed to build up with them. However, the past few days would prove this to be but a myth. I’ve been irritable, ratty, impatient. I’ve even shouted. And its something I dont generally do. I dont like it and I’m not good at it.

I’ve realised recently that its not the kids that are the problem. They are kids after all, crazy hormonal teens coping with everything modern society and apparent civilisation throws at them. Its the adults. Dont get me wrong, I work with some wonderful people. Some. The others – not so much.

Anyways, driving to work this morning, already pissed off for being later then intended (so whats new there – but this time due to princess little brother taking his sweet ass merry time in the bathroom) thoughts kept coming to me. I needed to get out. I needed to leave. A fresh change, to work somewhere else. Somewhere where I’m not worked to the bone for no gratitude or appreciation. Where I can bloody park my car within a mile radius without having to fight some little woman on a power trip. But all that aside, maybe I do need a break? I feel like I’m not being myself much. I’m hoping this will pass. Soon. Inshallah.

I’m tired of being tired. Feeling run down has become the norm.

I keep reminding myself why I’m doing this job, why I chose this career. I need to stick with it just a little bit longer.

I love learning, so I’d like to return to studying. And not just a student lifestyle! And travelling is my passion, and sometimes, like today, I want to pack up and fly away. Forget packing up, the flying is enough. A dream come true would be the combination of both, with some extra benefits thrown in ;)

There are good days, great days, amazing moments, all be them few and far in between. I just haven’t had them recently. So maybe thats what I need.

And then, being on time for an appointment at the opticians, i was made to wait 45 mins for a 5 minute check. Yes, 45 frickin minutes!!! What the hell was that all about. Oh sorry about that, we ahd three young children to test. So? Dont youknow little kids take forever to have their eyes checked? I knew that adn i’m not anywhere near being an optician, or even dispensing. Lack of common sense that wasted an hour of my life. Can’t you even book appoinments? Is that too much for you? If its one thing I can’t stand its incompetence. I know I’m not perfect at my job, but I’ve pretty much got the basics down. Sort it out. Bloody hell.


I just watched life. Life and colour and survival and..kinda puts things into perspective doesn’t it. Subhanallah.


What is it that holds us back? Is out my own inadequacy and lack of capability. No. I’m intelligent, perceptive, and sensitive. Perhaps its my fear. Im scared. And I dont know what of. Of getting burnt? Of achieving? Of being the best I can be? Of making a real live difference? Of being successful? Of being happy? Is it all too much to be accountable for? Or am I really just scared of trying, ‘cos you never know what is going to happen, right?

I can’t keep comparing things to the way they were. What has been has come and gone, and will never return. I will never be exactly the was I was, and nor will the circumstances. If I keep comparing things, will I ever truly be able to live, as opposed to merely exist? I need to value the past for what it was – the past. I cant let it dictate my future. I have to take new things, new people, new challenges as they come. As every experience builds who we are, you cant let it dictate to you. Learn from it. Learn from others. Dont make their mistakes as well as your own.

Isn’t it sometimes ok to be a bit cheesy, a bit contrived, to say whats actually going on in your heart or your mind? To let the barriers down? To trust? But what if you’re not even sure if you can trust yourself anymore. Then what?

And as these thoughts spun and dizzied around in my mind late last night, preventing me from falling asleep and keeping me wide awake, I imagined the past meeting the future in some collision, where I ended up in tears and my make up ran down my face and I looked like a clown in mourning. A bit of bathos for you there. I imagined pain, and tension and perhaps even some anguish, but it was overwritten with care and compassion and understanding. But what if the latter isn’t present? And then the question came – what are you thinking? If only I could tell you. It would have been unfair of me to ask you the same question I couldn’t answer myself. But that doesn’t detract away from me wanting to know. If only you knew.

You’ve given me that little bit of faith back. Thank you. Thank Allah who brought you to me, or me to you. Even for this, I am grateful.

As the ebbs and flows of time tease us, do we become but servants of our own fate? Will we let ourselves be mocked, will I allow myself to be derided? Perhaps I’m scared that the past will cloud over whats to come. But I’ve got to be honest, about my intentions and about myself. I’m going to face things, I’m going to have to face myself. As scary as it is, worse than cockroaches or heights or being burnt, if I dont face myself, who will?

Friday, 9 October 2009


So I read out the poem at my friend's wedding. I was so nervous, I was shaking, but it was amazing. As in, it was an amazing experience, not that I was amazing. My hand was shaking but I tried to rad it as best I could in front of 400 people. And my lil brother filmed me on his phone. I think quite a few people did, which isnt a very nice thought. But such is modern technology I'm afraid. The acousitcs in the hall were quite bad, but it still worked, and it was a beautiful setting. I was up on a balcony with the bride, groom, cake and chocoalte cups (yum) and it felt really special. I'm so glad I could do something cool for my friends on their wedding day, they deserve every happiness. They've been through so much. Inshallah they will live happily ever after. I started crying when my friend's dad brought her into the hall after the nikkah. It just shook me inside. The ruksati...well I was ok but thats another story. The favour biscuits went down well with tea for breakfast the next morning though :) Shame I dodnt get a picture of them. I got some really cool shots though, quite pleased with them. The whole weekend was amazing. Some great memories there, which will be with us for years. Happy times to draw on and be grateful for when things get tough.

A few people came up to me afterwords to tell me how good it was, which was so sweet. The best was one little girl, who must have been about 8 or 9 came up to me and was like 'Oh my I just loved your poem, its better than mine adn my sister's all the other poems I've written, it was great!' with a big grin and two thumbs up. !!!!! How cute is that, so sweet. I was so humbled. And then I had a conversation with her all about the poem and the wedding, at which point the dj started up, so we went on to speak about dancing, and I encouraged her to get on the dance floor and have some fun. Thinking about this later, I realised ooopps, not meant to be encouraging young girls to be doing that. So I thought, hopefully, she'll get it all out of her system now, so when she hits puberty and beyond its not a big deal. Or that cos she's still a kid, it doesnt count anyways. But what if she gets a taste for it and keeps up the dancing and then Im held accountable cos I was the one who encouraged her and its all my fault. Oooopps! Astaghfirullah. And then I met a friend from college who I hadn't seen since I was 18 and we lost touch and it was just too good to see her again and I got all excited and forgot about it. So you can see my conundrum.

I've just realised how chunky my paragraphs are, and they really need to be broken down, but I'm going to leave them. They are but thoughts after all.

Its been such a busy week. been out every night after work, and am seriously sleep deprived. Its been fun though, and I plan to spend saturday in hibernation. Zzzz.

It was National Poetry Day at work the other day, and there was a competition for the best poem, the theme being heroes. One for students and one for staff. I really wanted to write soemthign for the staff competition, but had like zero insppiration or ideas. So I jotted some notes and random thoughts down, and here's what I came up with. I thought it was a bit crap but a friend told me he loved it, which made me go all warm and fuzzy inside :) Anyways, here it is. Make of it what you will, and anyone who is reading this feel free to leave your comments.

Without an atlas, you found a way. Straying from the path, you found a new one.

Its not blood that binds us; cells and molecules,

Related by something deeper.

From one of us, chosen amongst us,

An orphan lost, searching for home.

Fought the battle, as it rages on, soldiers are weaker, the enemy snowballs. But you won the peace,

Of my heart

Peace is with you.

The desire to be with you, to share water with you.

Faith in you, and your faith in me. As the moon splits and the mountains move, boulders turn to wisps of cotton.

Arid desert, dry. To severity and harshness you brought serenity; luscious green.

Darkness though to light, arrogance to gratitude,

Thorns in your path, nor blood, nor words, nor derision hindered you. You still found me.

You, because you’ve always been there.

Held up the sky, kept the rain out.

Endure valiantly, noble in the face of oppression.

Maintain your dignity, fought with resilience, caged in.

Lead from danger to safety, the innocent depend on you, guiding though the mines,

Under fire. Unsung.

True love and knowledge,

Promises have been kept, the trust will never be broken.