I just spoke for the longest time today. Apart from when I was teaching, and I had to force myself and put on a bit of an act. although it was nice to tell someone about yesterday, and they had genuine concern and hoped it went well. I feel quite glad and I’m happy I spoke to her, a nice friend, and now I feel like I can write this.
Got back late last night and felt…overwhelmed and numb. If that’s possible. The conversations, deep and meaningful and analytical, the questions and the answers in the car of course added to this, but they needed to be had, and I’m really glad for it. When we got home, I felt so tired, and emotionally drained. Every bit of me ached, and I couldn’t wait to sleep. Sleeping was good.
Ok so now my line manager came in to my room and asked how it all went. Weird. Apparently everyone’s been asking how I am, if I’m ok. That’s really sweet. Again, had to force myself to speak to tell her about yesterday, but again its making me write so that’s a good thing. I feel quite humbled. Feeling a bit strange and overwhelmed…I do have some breathing space now though which is good. And shell shocked. She nailed it.
People have been asking me how it went, and honestly, I don’t know. As in, we went, it was nice, everyone chatted and got on, and chilled and ate and had dessert and tea and made jokes, but I don’t know how I actually feel about it. Which is quite worrying. I should be relieved, or happy or something. Maybe it was the dreams I had last night.
And now I’m really regretting not going to the airport to drop my parents off.
Foreboding, apprehension, unease, anxiety, discomfort…I can’t think of the right word to describe the feeling lodged in my gut, right by my diaphragm, and deep in my chest too.
So we got there, me cradling the orchids like a baby, and went in, said our salaams, and sat down. Felt so strange being there, a few awkward silences, and then people coming in and being introduced. The kids came in, or were sent in, one by one, and did their rounds of shaking hands and saying salaam, which is always a cute ice breaker. I was feeling so hot with my coat and big woolly scarf on so took them off awkwardly and tried to fold them in a ladylike way across my lap. He kept looking at me, and I tried to ignore him, averting my gaze. Stop looking at me! Could feel his eyes on me. Why is he wearing that shirt? You should dressjust a little bit more like your brother, haha.
Mum and I went into the next room as we needed to pray. As we finished, his little sister, the youngest and favourite, came in, so we said salaam and introduced ourselves. And sat and chatted for a while. Very nice and friendly. Actually, really nice, warm and welcoming. Couldn’t fault a thing. Or ask for more. So why do I feel like this. Have things concluded one way subconsciously in my own mind?
So anyway, chit chat, chit, chat, and it was food time. I thought we would all eat together, but it was meant to be us, and some of them. When I said, lets eat together, it was misunderstood as lets us girls eat together. That’s not what I meant. I meant everyone. So it ended up the men eating first and then the women. Which is annoying but anyways.
His brother was cool, making jokes and taking the mick. Made things more relaxed and chilled and I prefer it that way then all quiet and formal.
This is still so strange. And I missed asr today, not good :-( Writing this in bits, it feels like last night’s dreams are haunting me, and determining my percpetions and judgements and emotions. The one where I was with a friend of a cousin or something. And the one where we were both in the same place, at the same time, but not together. And there is an empty set next to me, only I have to text him to tell him this. And then it ended. I don’t know.
Eating together, dessert together, the men went off somewhere for a walk, so we had tea and chilled, watched the kids. Then the boys came back, and we sat together and chatted. It was nice. But it was the first full meeting so of course everyone was on their best behaviour. Including myself. And he would talk to me, and I would side step, and again, avert. You look yummy when noone is looking, and me trying to ignore and send evils at the same time. A short question, don’t talk to me. A poke when nobody was looking.
Uuurrrgghhhh why am I feeling these reservations? Is it because I know that I wont fit in? That I won’t blend and bend to be what may be expected of me? That I cant do it? That if I change myself, for that purpose, then I won’t be me anymore. Then you may as well order something and have it sent over on PIA, or go and pick it up yourself. Why me? What is it about me that you want, or like, or more importantly, expect? And what if I cant fulfill those expectations? What if you cant fulfill mine? And then what? Emotional attachment and physical attraction and all the swooning? Where do we put that and what do we do with it. I want to be with you becuase i want to be with you. Not becuause I dont want to be alone.
I need to sleep on this. I need to pray some more. Life was easier when it was all about the swooning.
“… Only in the remembrance of Allah can the heart find peace.” (Qur’an, 13:28)